Let it go

Do you believe in signs? I beginning to think i cannot deny them anymore.
I have been beat over the head this past month or so with the same message in many forms over and over again...."Let it go".

I'm stubborn by nature (as most of you who read this already know) and I don't really trust people or ideas very easily. I do not let my guard down for anyone, I've been hurt too many times and learned over the years that it is easier to please the world than it is to please myself (a lyric from the new Leann Rimes song. Even if you are not a country fan, check out "what I cannot change". Great stuff.). This goes for anything...family, religion, friends. I just have a hard time taking that leap of faith. More and more lately my argument for this way of life is vanishing and I think I know why.

I have always had a spiritual belief in the world, but never could quite put my hands on any of it. I had a hard time trusting people who claimed to be Christians, because these were the people in my life that have hurt me the most and I guess I grouped it all together. I felt that if those people were representative of what I was supposed to be, I wanted no part of it. It's taken me a long time to let go of that prejudice and for me to understand it's not my place to judge.

I cannot shake the feeling I have had. I know now I was wrong. I was so hung up in my own hurt, my own career, my own agenda to not see the big picture. How selfish was I not to see it right before my eyes, and thankfully there is someone just as stubborn as me who would not give up on me.

I cannot believe how much it took to open my eyes: years of abuse, hopes that didn't come true, illnesses and odds that I couldn't conceive. All the while I am thinking "Why me? What did I ever do?" It's not what I did, it's what I didn't do.

I didn't let it go.

I held it inside instead of reaching out in prayer. I guarded my heart instead of letting it go freely. I convinced myself I knew what was best when I didn't have a clue in the world what I was doing.

Now comes the hard part, applying this to my life. I'm in for some big changes, but good ones. Here I go, taking a deep breath, closing my eyes and letting it go............

Imagination Games

So, along with all of the great gifts Kyleigh got for her birthday, her Grandma gave her a book called "The Daring Book for Girls". It's filled with fun stuff that every girl needs to know, back when it was OK to play out in the neighborhood and everyone wasn't completely addicted to video games. Personally, my house is a no video game zone, we don't own any, but I'm not one of those moms that is obsessive about it. I just think my girls can figure out better ways to have fun, play and spend their time than in front of a TV all day. Oh trust me, they get their TV fix, but it is cut off at a certain time, or it's just music playing.

I thought I would share some of the fun games my girls have come up with. All of these were played just this afternoon together!

Blue Barrel Rodeo - See picture below. You take out all of the stuffed animals from the blue bucket that stores them and have one girl get inside (she powers the barrel). The other sister jumps on top and tries to stay on as the "power" is rolling her back and forth. Hours of fun.



Stacking towers - This also requires toy storage materials. Get those colored bins that hold all of the toys and dump them out on the floor. See who can stack the remaining bins the highest. Of course, the funnest part of this is who can make the most dramatic fall!

Mom and baby - A definite stand in my house. Reece is baby, Kyleigh is mommy. Helps her deal with control issues :-)

Chase - around the coffee table just fast enough to make mom have a heart attack and think she will be going to the emergency room any minute for a cracked skull

Dance off - Self explanatory. Have mom turn the TV to the dance channel. Boogie down.

Concert - Grab the microphone and stand (guitar optional) and just make up the words as you go. Have the 3 year old be a crazed fan.

Of course when all is finished, a game of toy basketball to get everything back in the buckets/bins is in order.

Remember what we played when we were little and too busy for TV? I know I loved the field across from my house right after they had cropped it dry. There were always nice dirt balls perfect for belting my neighbor with ( I was a vicious tomboy!)

How about you?

Kyleigh

One of my favorites!

At 12:16pm on October 31, 2002, my life was forever changed.

Kyleigh Nicole Byers was announced to a room full of family screaming "it's a girl!" (yes, I'm old fashioned and didn't want to know the sex :-)

Our life was pretty crazy back then. I had just graduated college that May and was still working at good ol' TGI Friday's (because no one wants to hire the pregnant chick) and of course, Bobby was working at Lowes. We had just bought a house and had no money and no idea really what we were doing or what we were up against. What we did know was that we loved each other more than anything and we now were the proud parents of a beautiful little baby girl.

Yeah, you've all heard the stories about how kids change your lives forever, to some, this is enough to make them run the other direction screaming, but it's all about perception I was just telling someone this week. For me, it could have been scary not ever having been around babies before and not having a clue what I was doing, having just bought a house and not having a job, having a husband that has to work a lot with his job.....but it wasn't that way. It brought me a sense of peace and freedom. The adult freedoms I lost were nothing compared to the mental freedom I gained. Kyleigh's life is the turning point in mine. She brought me and my dad back together, she opened up old wounds that needed to be healed between my mother (still working on that), she showed me a side of my husband I would have never seen otherwise. She made all of the bitterness I carried with me until that day...weighing me down, controlling every move I made, burn away. I am amazed at how much she did in that one day, without a word said.

I simply cannot explain the love I have for her in words.

Kyleigh is her own personality....always asking questions and will not be satisfied until she gets a good one (because I said so does NOT work with this child!). She's shy and introverted. She contemplates everything, she is always looking at things from different angles. Kyleigh is stubborn, and not just because she is 6. She's always been this way, wanting to have her own adventure and learn things for herself. Kyleigh is very loving, but doesn't always show it as freely as others. In the most unexpected moments it happens (in the car the other day she told me she liked watching the clouds. I thought it was sweet and asked her why. Her response, "because my Granny lives up there and I wanted to see her". Uh, tear.)

I hope that I will be able to give back to her everything she has given to me and I hope that I can live my life the way she has taught me to: give unconditional love, forgive because accidents happen, contemplate how things work and why, always be good to nature, make mistakes because that is how we learn and be stubborn and stand your ground...sometimes we are right!

Dressing up as High School Musical's biggest fan

Big Sister! (yes, Reece picked out her own costume this year :-)

Updates from our crazy life

hey guys, thought I would post some updates since it's been such a crazy week!

Dad was granted Mercy last Wednesday by finding out some positive news about his CAT scan. The cancer in his lymph nodes is no longer detectable and there are just a couple of spots now that are still showing up in his liver and lungs. It was so great to hear that positivity in his voice! He was talking a lot about how fortunate he was to not have as many severe effects from the chemo as most others do, I was selfishly thinking how fortunate I was to have more time with him. Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers and I hope that you will keep them coming! He will do one more cycle in November and then another CAT scan to decide what they want to do from there.

Kyleigh's 6th birthday party went great on Sunday! We had about 10 kids come and join us for a party at the movie theatre to take in the new High School Musical 3. A special thanks to my wonderful husband for sitting through a 2 hour musical just for the love of his daughter :-)
I cannot believe how fast these past 6 years have happened. I will be writing a post just about her in honor of her birthday this Friday.

And yes, I turned 29 on Monday. who hoo! I like to reflect on every birthday and be thankful (kind of like folks do during Thanksgiving). I'd like to give thanks for another year of unexpected events and unanswered prayers. After 29 years I find I am still learning that I don't always know everything! Thanks for keeping me guessing. And thanks to my husband for dealing with my craziness these past few months. This move hasn't always been easy for me, but his strength has helped me realize what a good move it was. Thanks to all of my friends for just listening this past year. I have cried to you, laughed with you and missed you all terribly. Thanks to my family for your support and understanding. I hope that 29 is filled with as much excitement, joy and reflection as 28 has been.

I'd also like to leave this post in memory of Bobby's grandmother, Nora, who passed away this year. She was known for always remembering everyone's birthday and sending a card. This birthday was not the same without a card from granny Nora.

The Wilmington BFF gang: Alix, Jordan, Betsy and Kyleigh

In front of her favorite, Sharpay!

The Kite Runner

So, I bought this book along with several others a few months ago and have saved this one as the last, mostly because it was considerably longer than the others and I usually cannot find time to read more than 3 or so pages at a time!
I started it last week and finished it yesterday and I have to say it is one of the best books I have ever read. It is the story of a boy's childhood in Kabal, a country near Afghanistan, and it follows him and his experiences throughout his life well into his 30's. I could not put it down! There were so many twists and turns and shocking moments, I ended up taking the time to read over 100 pages in one sitting, which because I am such a book dork was a big treat for me. Most importantly, it taught the lesson that is it never too late to do the right thing no matter what has happened in your life.
I do not want to give away anything that happens, but if you enjoy a great story like I do, make the time to pick this one up. You will not be disappointed!

Little white lies

Omissions. No, not the ones coming out of your car stinking up the environment, those little omissions you conveniently leave out. Little white lies. Most folks would say a lie is a lie no matter what. But what if it is to protect someone? How about lying to yourself?

I know I have been guilty of both of these.

I found myself being lied to this weekend by my dad. I know it well, the lie to protect by omission. It's the first time I have seen him in two chemo cycles and he was tired. Usually he is tearing the phone up calling to see when he is able to come over to see the girls, but on Saturday the whole day went by and no word from him. Finally at 4:30 I called out of worry and he said he was just giving my mom time with the girls.....a lie to protect. It was almost like he was avoiding it, not that he didn't want to see us and spend time with us, but he knew what I would know when I saw him. I still think it's funny how we have not been close until the last 6 years and I can almost read his mind and know what he is thinking when I see him. I am so thankful for our ability to be "in sync" with each other. But, he did come for a little bit and we got to eat lunch and spend some time together today as well, which was definitely a treat.

And lies to ourselves....this is a major one for me. Lying to myself telling me I can hold it all together, lying to myself telling me I can forget things in the past...that they don't affect me today. These are easy to catch in other people as well, when they do noble and thoughtful things, but for the glory of it for themselves and not for the true meaning behind them. Lying to themselves that they are paving the way to Heaven by doing good deeds, but choosing to create their own glory for themselves on earth instead of earning it in Heaven.

Forgive me for getting religious for those of you that read and are listening to me rant, but I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Lies hurt. No matter the reason, no matter the situation. There is no good reason not to be completely honest with people, and more importantly with yourself. If you are sick and hurting, why not let go of that pride and reach out? Emotionally or physically, we all need to let go of ourselves and our pride and be honest. Are we really protecting the people we love when it is tearing us apart?

This is a "new years resolution" I am not waiting for. It's going to be a slow process, but one I think will be worth it. I hope you will all join me in letting a little more honesty in your life and seeing where it leads you.

Shine on

So, I've been working at home for almost a month now and really starting to get into my groove. I have to admit, it wasn't as smooth as I thought it was going to be. This week, I have realized something profound about myself.

Last week on vacation as Bobby and I were enjoying the hot tub, we found ourselves talking about the future, and about our careers. When I was growing up, I could never decide what I wanted to be, but I knew I wanted to impact people, I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to do something important. As I started talking about the new path I have taken this year, I began to hear a tone in my voice I have not heard in a while....restlessness. Now, don't get me wrong, I am PLENTY busy, but with my previous position I was in constant motion and pulled in a thousand different directions. That is where I felt I would shine, put me in a difficult situation, while others would complain, I secretly loved it. What I didn't realize was I was allowing it to validate who I was.

Without that constant "in your face office" everyday, I had come to feel like less of a person. I was almost depressed. How could I have let a job symbolize who I was?

I once had a person that worked for me tell me in a conversation about our company that she felt the priorities were all wrong, that we were putting our jobs/careers over everything and that she only answered to God. As a manager, that put me in a difficult situation and I know now I really missed the point she was trying to make. In her own way, I think she saw it in me even then and was trying to reach out (if you are reading this, sorry it took me so long to come around!).

I am very blessed to be working for a company that works everyday to save lives. Our CEO is generous and kind, something that seems to be few and far between these days. I have been given an opportunity that has allowed me to stay and continue to grow with them. For that, I am forever grateful.

Just a word to the wise to all of those career junkies, it is important, but don't let it validate who you are or who you want to be. Find that thing that makes you get up with the sun every morning. Find your own way to shine, don't depend on someone else to give you that "artificial light". It causes cancer you know.