Do you believe in signs? I beginning to think i cannot deny them anymore.
I have been beat over the head this past month or so with the same message in many forms over and over again...."Let it go".
I'm stubborn by nature (as most of you who read this already know) and I don't really trust people or ideas very easily. I do not let my guard down for anyone, I've been hurt too many times and learned over the years that it is easier to please the world than it is to please myself (a lyric from the new Leann Rimes song. Even if you are not a country fan, check out "what I cannot change". Great stuff.). This goes for anything...family, religion, friends. I just have a hard time taking that leap of faith. More and more lately my argument for this way of life is vanishing and I think I know why.
I have always had a spiritual belief in the world, but never could quite put my hands on any of it. I had a hard time trusting people who claimed to be Christians, because these were the people in my life that have hurt me the most and I guess I grouped it all together. I felt that if those people were representative of what I was supposed to be, I wanted no part of it. It's taken me a long time to let go of that prejudice and for me to understand it's not my place to judge.
I cannot shake the feeling I have had. I know now I was wrong. I was so hung up in my own hurt, my own career, my own agenda to not see the big picture. How selfish was I not to see it right before my eyes, and thankfully there is someone just as stubborn as me who would not give up on me.
I cannot believe how much it took to open my eyes: years of abuse, hopes that didn't come true, illnesses and odds that I couldn't conceive. All the while I am thinking "Why me? What did I ever do?" It's not what I did, it's what I didn't do.
I didn't let it go.
I held it inside instead of reaching out in prayer. I guarded my heart instead of letting it go freely. I convinced myself I knew what was best when I didn't have a clue in the world what I was doing.
Now comes the hard part, applying this to my life. I'm in for some big changes, but good ones. Here I go, taking a deep breath, closing my eyes and letting it go............
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4 months ago