Since you've been gone, life has been so incredibly fast. I've hardly had time to stop and take it all in. I run through everything I have to do everyday and never stop to let it all sink in...I'm too busy checking things off of my to do list.
Since you've been gone, Kyleigh has grown another inch. Hard to believe in just a couple of months huh? I smiled as I sent her to school in pants that were 2 inches too short. I cannot bear to take them off. They are the pair you bought for her.
Since you've been gone, Kyleigh is still the same sensitive soul. She cried for an hour this morning because she didn't want to go to school because she lost her first "in front" tooth and was embarrassed. I pulled out pictures of me as a little girl to show her I sported the missing tooth look too, but she was so upset. You know how dramatic she can be and how long it takes her to get over something.
Since you've been gone, Kyleigh started playing softball. I know! We both know how long she sticks with something, but she really enjoys it. She played her first game last night and got a hit on the first try. We were really proud.
Since you've been gone, Reece is getting even smarter. Counting her numbers and learning her letters and talking a mile a minute always. She is still always ready for adventure and is taking life at it's fullest, even at 3.
Since you've been gone, Reece has torn holes in almost all of her jeans from "vrooming" cars on the ground and falling from running harder than her feet can take her.
Since you've been gone, Bobby has been doing great with his job and is taking such good car of your Mustang and has been taking care of me.
Since you've been gone, I got two awards at work and I'm still getting used to working from home.
Since you've been gone, mom is sick and the doctors say she is starting a process of slow organ failure one by one. She misses you terribly, even though she's not talking about it. I'm afraid she doesn't have the strength or willpower to fight her diabetes anymore. I'm afraid I'll be writing......
Since you've been gone, I have missed you more than you can ever know.
We went to the SC aquarium this weekend again to see the new penguin exhibit and the sea turtles. I had been looking forward to this trip and so it was our family, including Bobby's mom that headed out this past Saturday. There I was, going down my list, so busy with everything in my head. Charleston is almost a 2 1/2 hour drive away, giving me a lot of time to think in the car.
I thought about the last time we came and you wanted to come, but you were not able. You were so upset, you wouldn't even pick up the pictures I had sent to the drug store of the girls there. You said you would come next time, but you weren't there. You were supposed to be there. About that time, a car had pulled out in front of us and shook me from my thoughts. I reacted and yelled at Bobby to watch out. He reacted back and I don't know what it was, but I just lost it. I have been trying so hard to hold it together..to not let anyone see me fall apart like I am now. I started crying. I know Bobby felt bad. he probably thought he had upset me by speaking back at me, but he didn't know I was already so upset on the inside. I wish I could just wave my hands and have my Dad back again....
This is the part where I just lose it. I cannot believe I am writing this for everyone to read, but everything seems to have hit this month. It is real. It's not some list of legal documents I still have to get straight or pictures I need to pick out...there's not anything left on my list to check off. I realize I'm never going to see my dad again. I'm never going to put my arms around him and hug him. I'm never going to smell like his cigarette smoke. I'm never going to sit in my rocking chairs with him again. I'm never going to be able to get him fired up about politics again. I'm never going to be able to call him like I wanted to last night and tell him Kyleigh played her first game.
I'm trying to hold this all together for my girls and not completely freak Bobby out with my insanity right now. I'm just praying God helps me find a way to accept what has happened and try and move on.
Back With Five!
4 months ago