Weather Forecasts

Yesterday...61 degrees...chilly...wet...rainy...gloomy.

Forecast for January 13, 2009....41 degrees...cold...wet....rainy...gloomy

Take me back 10 months to sitting outside in the cold, wet, rainy, gloomy weather. Numb from the cold, numb from watching them pray over my Dad's casket. I'm masking it pretty well at this point. I've had my own private breakdown. I've got on my "it's all going to be ok" face. I'm the strong one right? While everyone else is crying or scemeing, I've got to be the one keeping it together.

Well, I'm still trying to tape my broken heart together. My heart hurt so badly yesterday. I'm sure we have had rainy cold days since January, but for some reason yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss my dad so much. There is so much going on in my life right now...so much to decide and talk about. I would love to be able to call him and see what he thinks. He was great about giving a no nonsense answer...whether it was what you wanted to hear or not. Everything seems to be in rollercoaster mode right now. Life is moving so fast. I just wanted to stop yesterday and remember him.

I just miss him

So, Father's Day. Everything was going so wonderfully today. The girls came in with hand made cards for Bobby this morning that were absolutely adorable and gave hugs and kisses and "Happy Father's Day Daddy!". We went to breakfast at our favorite place and headed to church. I knew Pastor Brad would talk about Father's Day today. I had thought about my dad, sure, as soon as I woke up this morning, but something about his sermons touch me so deep. Today was no exception.

He does such a good job connecting with everyone. It's not like a lecture, it's a conversation..a sharing with everyone. He doesn't dance around it, he gets right to your soul where you need to hear it the most. Today he shared a letter his dad wrote him when he was about 20 talking about regrets he had about him growing up and how he was proud of him. It really hit my heart because I remembered the letter I wrote my dad at Christmas before his cancer became so bad, letting him know how grateful I was for him, how much I loved him, how proud I was of him and how overjoyed I was to call him my dad. I hate that he never got the opportunity to read that letter himself, but I think me reading it to him through tear filled eyes meant so much more.

Pastor Brad went on to talk about how for most people, Father's Day was a happy occasion, but for some, it conjured up bad thoughts. For those folks that didn't grow up with the love of a father, for those that were abused in any way by their fathers or for those that had lost their father's it was a very different day.

He told many stories about folks he knew that had strained relationships with their fathers. Some never met them until much later in life, some had abusive fathers, some had dads that never told them they loved them or were proud of them, but how our Heavenly Father had been there always and gotten them through it. I thought about past Father's Days I had living those very words. I would lay awake the night before and wonder if my dad knew how Father's Day would make me feel. Back then it was not a celebration, but a day of hurt. I wanted to have the Father's Day my girls have had since they were born....busting into the bedroom, crawling into the bed and getting sweet kisses from their daddy, giving hand made gifts and hearing about how much he loved them.

I thank God everyday for the strength he gave my dad and I to reconcile. Thinking back to how I felt then, I cannot imagine how those days were for him. I'm sure he felt shame, sadness, guilt and sorrow thinking about me. While we can never have those years back, the few we had together as daddy and daughter are absolutely priceless.

Daddies come in all different ways and styles and situations. Even with all of our unfortunate background, we overcame. Alcoholism, pride, pain, prison, neglect, denial, hurt and abandonment could not separate us. Forgiveness is a very precious thing, and while it is not the easy road to take, the rewards at the end are far more than I can express in this blog.

Thank you Daddy for loving me then and continuing to love me now in Heaven. Thank you Bobby for being the epitome of the perfect dad. Thank you God for being my Heavenly Father and always watching over me.

Since you've been gone

Since you've been gone, life has been so incredibly fast. I've hardly had time to stop and take it all in. I run through everything I have to do everyday and never stop to let it all sink in...I'm too busy checking things off of my to do list.

Since you've been gone, Kyleigh has grown another inch. Hard to believe in just a couple of months huh? I smiled as I sent her to school in pants that were 2 inches too short. I cannot bear to take them off. They are the pair you bought for her.

Since you've been gone, Kyleigh is still the same sensitive soul. She cried for an hour this morning because she didn't want to go to school because she lost her first "in front" tooth and was embarrassed. I pulled out pictures of me as a little girl to show her I sported the missing tooth look too, but she was so upset. You know how dramatic she can be and how long it takes her to get over something.

Since you've been gone, Kyleigh started playing softball. I know! We both know how long she sticks with something, but she really enjoys it. She played her first game last night and got a hit on the first try. We were really proud.

Since you've been gone, Reece is getting even smarter. Counting her numbers and learning her letters and talking a mile a minute always. She is still always ready for adventure and is taking life at it's fullest, even at 3.

Since you've been gone, Reece has torn holes in almost all of her jeans from "vrooming" cars on the ground and falling from running harder than her feet can take her.

Since you've been gone, Bobby has been doing great with his job and is taking such good car of your Mustang and has been taking care of me.

Since you've been gone, I got two awards at work and I'm still getting used to working from home.

Since you've been gone, mom is sick and the doctors say she is starting a process of slow organ failure one by one. She misses you terribly, even though she's not talking about it. I'm afraid she doesn't have the strength or willpower to fight her diabetes anymore. I'm afraid I'll be writing......

Since you've been gone, I have missed you more than you can ever know.

We went to the SC aquarium this weekend again to see the new penguin exhibit and the sea turtles. I had been looking forward to this trip and so it was our family, including Bobby's mom that headed out this past Saturday. There I was, going down my list, so busy with everything in my head. Charleston is almost a 2 1/2 hour drive away, giving me a lot of time to think in the car.

I thought about the last time we came and you wanted to come, but you were not able. You were so upset, you wouldn't even pick up the pictures I had sent to the drug store of the girls there. You said you would come next time, but you weren't there. You were supposed to be there. About that time, a car had pulled out in front of us and shook me from my thoughts. I reacted and yelled at Bobby to watch out. He reacted back and I don't know what it was, but I just lost it. I have been trying so hard to hold it together..to not let anyone see me fall apart like I am now. I started crying. I know Bobby felt bad. he probably thought he had upset me by speaking back at me, but he didn't know I was already so upset on the inside. I wish I could just wave my hands and have my Dad back again....

This is the part where I just lose it. I cannot believe I am writing this for everyone to read, but everything seems to have hit this month. It is real. It's not some list of legal documents I still have to get straight or pictures I need to pick out...there's not anything left on my list to check off. I realize I'm never going to see my dad again. I'm never going to put my arms around him and hug him. I'm never going to smell like his cigarette smoke. I'm never going to sit in my rocking chairs with him again. I'm never going to be able to get him fired up about politics again. I'm never going to be able to call him like I wanted to last night and tell him Kyleigh played her first game.

I'm trying to hold this all together for my girls and not completely freak Bobby out with my insanity right now. I'm just praying God helps me find a way to accept what has happened and try and move on.

Always remembered - a long one

So, a lot has happened since my last post on Christmas. It feels like it has all been a blur. Dad finally showed back up at home, but ended up in the hospital the next day. When they did a brain scan, they found "too many tumors to count". We tried a few treatments of radiation, but it didn't seem to help. Dad was confused about time and place, but still knew everyone that came into the room. He was there, but he wasn't....like he was half in our world and half in another. It's so hard to see your Dad like that. He had overcame so many things in his life. He had not missed one day of work while going through chemo for cancer in both lungs, lymph nodes, liver and bones.
I walked in that next Sunday and he was very agitated by the commotion around him. He was a very independent man, so to have everyone over him making a fuss was something he would have never wanted. I walked up to the bed and rubbed his arm and said "Dad, I'm back". He rolled over and looked at me and said "If you're back, I'm back." That is the last time I would hear his voice and look him in the eye and know he was there.
We moved him to a hospice facility that next day. Everyone there was so nice and just wanted to make Dad as comfortable as possible. I came home for a couple of days to give my girls a break (they have been with us the entire time) and to let everything sink in. It was nice to have some time to myself to work through everything. Just the emotional impact is a lot to take in, add in the financial/legal/medical aspects of all of this and being in charge of it all and you have a recipe for prescription meds!
I had been in contact with the hospice facility several times a day to check in and ended up going back home on Thursday. I stayed overnight with him, my cousin Martha and my grandma. I really didn't know much about any of that side of the family before all of this. We sat up those two nights (out of fear of the whole situation mostly) and shared stories. I heard about my Dad growing up and all about my grandma and cousin and other family members I was only a forgotten acquaintance with. I am sad about the circumstance, but I wouldn't give that time up for anything.
We were sitting around on Saturday afternoon. I was on one side of Dad and my grandmother on the other. A lady walked in that Dad had worked with several years ago (my Dad has the BEST co-workers I have ever met. They have all been unbelievably supportive and I couldn't have made it through all of this without them). She walked up to Dad and said "sorry I'm late. I was on my way home and heard you were here and was pulled to come see you. Again, sorry I'm late, but I'm here now." At that moment, she was able to release the grip my grandmother had on my Dad (none of us could even pull her from the bed). Within a minute, he let go himself.
That night, I just wanted to be by myself. I drove out to my old high school and sat for 4 hours and just cried. They were tears of joy and sorrow. Joy because I knew my Dad was in a better place where he was not suffering anymore. Sorrow because our time on this earth was over and I already missed him.
I had to plan the funeral and really wanted to honor my Dad and make it personal. Having never planned a funeral before, and only really ever going to 2 my entire life, I wasn't sure I was doing the right things, but I prayed about it. I prayed for guidance to honor my Dad the way he would have wanted no matter what.
On Monday, the funeral service took place complete with Dad in his "It's 5 o'clock somewhere" t-shirt and boat shoes. I picked music that was personal to him and was very humbled to have a close co-worker officiate the service. We had so many of his work family come along with our family. It really was a celebration of my Dad's life.
We cleaned out his apartment this week. My Dad was not a very materialistic man (with the exception of his prize Mustang). We were going through his car cleaning supplies and found a stack of books. Among these was a book from his rehab stay (Dad had a tough time with alcohol abuse. Mary Francis was a rehab facility in Tarboro that was a God sent miracle for him. Without them, I would never have had the time with my Dad that I did). Here was his 12 step book complete with letters from people that were in his class, like a yearbook. To read the personal writings from these people and know and understand what my Dad overcame is priceless to me. That book is now my prized possession.
I am home now and with mixed feelings. I'm sure this will all hit me one day and I won't know what to do with myself. I know every time I am at the beach, see a mustang or look at my girls I will think of him.
Here's to the man that set the woods on fire as a boy, had to bring a U haul full of beer to a mountain trip, loved racing, would give you the shirt off of his back if you needed it, overcame incredible odds, was proud of his work and his work family, loved the beach and loved me more than I ever knew. I will miss him always, but I am so grateful for our time.
Everyone reading this, please use this as a reminder to be so very thankful for all of your blessings and those people in your life. If you would have asked me 10 years ago it would have all turned out this way I never would have believed it. Follow your heart and forgive, mend those relationship you think are not worth it and remember every life is worth a second chance. Those 7 good years with Dad were more important than any pride we had before or hurt we felt. I don't even remember anything before because it's not important. I will remember him always as I have gotten to know him these last precious few years, as the best Dad I could have ever had.

Broken Joy

Merry Christmas everyone. Today started like any other Christmas in a house with kids, wrapping paper everywhere, lots of noise, pictures and cleaning. It really was a great Christmas for the girls, but in the mist of everything, I couldn't shake a feeling I had since yesterday.

I talked to my Dad yesterday at lunch. It was by far the most strange conversation we have had. He was determined about getting out and getting presents for the girls, even though I repeated to him, every 2 minutes it seemed, that I had already done his Christmas shopping for him. Then he said he hoped he didn't get into a wreck, that his feet had not been working. Puzzled by this, I asked him what he meant. "Well, they just don't listen to me anymore. I tell them to go one way and they just go the other". This upset me for two reasons...1- my dad usually doesn't talk like my 3 year old and 2- lack of coordination along with the short term memory loss that was obviously affecting him at the time are neurological symptoms. We said our I love you's and I asked him one more time not to get out.

That was the last any of us have heard from him.

I waited to call about 9 this morning to give him time to sleep in to wish him a Merry Christmas, shocked that he hadn't already called to talk to the girls. No answer. I called again at 11. No answer. I continued to call pretty much every hour on the hour after that. I got pretty worried by late afternoon and called my grandmother. He was supposed to be at her house for Christmas lunch/dinner. He never showed and had not answered the phone for her either. My father in law was nice enough to go out to his home to check on him, but his car was gone and no one answered the door. Still no answer on his phone. By 6 tonight, I was calling the police to file a missing person's report. The deputy was extremely nice and went out with a crew to his house to check things out. He is usually in bed exhausted by 8.....it's 8:03 now. Still no word. They have put out a report with all departments state wide and a "silver alert" which is equivalent to the amber alert.

Where could he be? I couldn't shake this feeling all day and now I just worry that the worst has happened. Is he alone? Did he get into an accident? There are no reports for him at the hospitals. No one has seen him for days and yesterday, I was the last one to talk to him. I have been praying that God is with him, where ever he is, looking over him keeping him safe and not fearful.

Everyone out there who reads this, even if it's only two of you, please pray for my Dad. Please pray that we find him soon. Please pray that he is safe.

I don't want that to be the last I love you I say to him.

Needing everyone's thoughts....prayers

It's Tuesday and the normal hum drum on my mind right now is quieted by my fears for this week. For those of you that have been keeping up with my dad's progress, tomorrow starts his 3rd cycle of chemo. He was diagnosed with "extensive stage small cell lung cancer" just 3 months ago. Lucky for us, his doctor is one of the best. Dr. Adkins treated my mom for Stage 4 intestinal cancer when I was 9...and she's still here to talk about it. I love to hear about him. In a world where health care can be so political and full of red tape, so segregated between the "layman" and "educated", this man walks the halls without his tokin white "I'm an important doctor" lab jacket...in cowboys boots and always carrying a down to earth sense about him. He tells you what you need to hear in terms that you understand. I admire this as I listened to the tape he made for my dad when he told him of his diagnosis. He does this not only for the patient, but also the family by letting him take it home and share with others.

It's bittersweet for me. I did not grow up with my dad. I have no warm memories of him as a child. I only remember having to go to weekly visits at the halfway house as was court ordered and his roommate would teach me how to build card houses while he looked away as if I didn't exist. It took me many years to get over my anger....and myself. My dad was sick. I know now that he wanted to be there, he just couldn't. Alcoholism stole that time from both of us, but with the birth of Kyleigh came a birth of a new relationship with my dad, and we have been growing stronger ever since. All those years I lived without him, and now I cannot imagine life without him.

You know, I've been asked so many times why we choose to start our family so young (I was barely 23 when I had Kyleigh, a time when most of my friends were still out having fun and being young). I do not believe in accidents. I believe it happened because we needed something major to get us to move on from our pride and pain. Funny, learning where my pridefulness comes from :-)

My dad will have a scan this week to see how the treatments have been working. I cannot do anything but hope for the best. He has continued to be positive through everything and I know he must be scared too, but that Price pride will never let it show.

We talk a lot about the future. He has always wanted to the Caribbean. It is a dream of his to retire to a beach house where he could just do nothing but sit on the beach and not have to worry about a thing (his favorite channel is the Margarita ville channel on his Sirius radio :)

Even though I don't get to see him everyday, I do listen to Kenny Chesney's "Old Blue Chair" CD and it makes me think of him. That CD encompasses everything about him to me.

Sorry for the long post, but if you could say a special prayer or just keep my dad in your thoughts this week, I hope to share good news in my next post!