Always remembered - a long one

So, a lot has happened since my last post on Christmas. It feels like it has all been a blur. Dad finally showed back up at home, but ended up in the hospital the next day. When they did a brain scan, they found "too many tumors to count". We tried a few treatments of radiation, but it didn't seem to help. Dad was confused about time and place, but still knew everyone that came into the room. He was there, but he wasn't....like he was half in our world and half in another. It's so hard to see your Dad like that. He had overcame so many things in his life. He had not missed one day of work while going through chemo for cancer in both lungs, lymph nodes, liver and bones.
I walked in that next Sunday and he was very agitated by the commotion around him. He was a very independent man, so to have everyone over him making a fuss was something he would have never wanted. I walked up to the bed and rubbed his arm and said "Dad, I'm back". He rolled over and looked at me and said "If you're back, I'm back." That is the last time I would hear his voice and look him in the eye and know he was there.
We moved him to a hospice facility that next day. Everyone there was so nice and just wanted to make Dad as comfortable as possible. I came home for a couple of days to give my girls a break (they have been with us the entire time) and to let everything sink in. It was nice to have some time to myself to work through everything. Just the emotional impact is a lot to take in, add in the financial/legal/medical aspects of all of this and being in charge of it all and you have a recipe for prescription meds!
I had been in contact with the hospice facility several times a day to check in and ended up going back home on Thursday. I stayed overnight with him, my cousin Martha and my grandma. I really didn't know much about any of that side of the family before all of this. We sat up those two nights (out of fear of the whole situation mostly) and shared stories. I heard about my Dad growing up and all about my grandma and cousin and other family members I was only a forgotten acquaintance with. I am sad about the circumstance, but I wouldn't give that time up for anything.
We were sitting around on Saturday afternoon. I was on one side of Dad and my grandmother on the other. A lady walked in that Dad had worked with several years ago (my Dad has the BEST co-workers I have ever met. They have all been unbelievably supportive and I couldn't have made it through all of this without them). She walked up to Dad and said "sorry I'm late. I was on my way home and heard you were here and was pulled to come see you. Again, sorry I'm late, but I'm here now." At that moment, she was able to release the grip my grandmother had on my Dad (none of us could even pull her from the bed). Within a minute, he let go himself.
That night, I just wanted to be by myself. I drove out to my old high school and sat for 4 hours and just cried. They were tears of joy and sorrow. Joy because I knew my Dad was in a better place where he was not suffering anymore. Sorrow because our time on this earth was over and I already missed him.
I had to plan the funeral and really wanted to honor my Dad and make it personal. Having never planned a funeral before, and only really ever going to 2 my entire life, I wasn't sure I was doing the right things, but I prayed about it. I prayed for guidance to honor my Dad the way he would have wanted no matter what.
On Monday, the funeral service took place complete with Dad in his "It's 5 o'clock somewhere" t-shirt and boat shoes. I picked music that was personal to him and was very humbled to have a close co-worker officiate the service. We had so many of his work family come along with our family. It really was a celebration of my Dad's life.
We cleaned out his apartment this week. My Dad was not a very materialistic man (with the exception of his prize Mustang). We were going through his car cleaning supplies and found a stack of books. Among these was a book from his rehab stay (Dad had a tough time with alcohol abuse. Mary Francis was a rehab facility in Tarboro that was a God sent miracle for him. Without them, I would never have had the time with my Dad that I did). Here was his 12 step book complete with letters from people that were in his class, like a yearbook. To read the personal writings from these people and know and understand what my Dad overcame is priceless to me. That book is now my prized possession.
I am home now and with mixed feelings. I'm sure this will all hit me one day and I won't know what to do with myself. I know every time I am at the beach, see a mustang or look at my girls I will think of him.
Here's to the man that set the woods on fire as a boy, had to bring a U haul full of beer to a mountain trip, loved racing, would give you the shirt off of his back if you needed it, overcame incredible odds, was proud of his work and his work family, loved the beach and loved me more than I ever knew. I will miss him always, but I am so grateful for our time.
Everyone reading this, please use this as a reminder to be so very thankful for all of your blessings and those people in your life. If you would have asked me 10 years ago it would have all turned out this way I never would have believed it. Follow your heart and forgive, mend those relationship you think are not worth it and remember every life is worth a second chance. Those 7 good years with Dad were more important than any pride we had before or hurt we felt. I don't even remember anything before because it's not important. I will remember him always as I have gotten to know him these last precious few years, as the best Dad I could have ever had.