Thursday, December 25, 2008

Broken Joy

Merry Christmas everyone. Today started like any other Christmas in a house with kids, wrapping paper everywhere, lots of noise, pictures and cleaning. It really was a great Christmas for the girls, but in the mist of everything, I couldn't shake a feeling I had since yesterday.

I talked to my Dad yesterday at lunch. It was by far the most strange conversation we have had. He was determined about getting out and getting presents for the girls, even though I repeated to him, every 2 minutes it seemed, that I had already done his Christmas shopping for him. Then he said he hoped he didn't get into a wreck, that his feet had not been working. Puzzled by this, I asked him what he meant. "Well, they just don't listen to me anymore. I tell them to go one way and they just go the other". This upset me for two reasons...1- my dad usually doesn't talk like my 3 year old and 2- lack of coordination along with the short term memory loss that was obviously affecting him at the time are neurological symptoms. We said our I love you's and I asked him one more time not to get out.

That was the last any of us have heard from him.

I waited to call about 9 this morning to give him time to sleep in to wish him a Merry Christmas, shocked that he hadn't already called to talk to the girls. No answer. I called again at 11. No answer. I continued to call pretty much every hour on the hour after that. I got pretty worried by late afternoon and called my grandmother. He was supposed to be at her house for Christmas lunch/dinner. He never showed and had not answered the phone for her either. My father in law was nice enough to go out to his home to check on him, but his car was gone and no one answered the door. Still no answer on his phone. By 6 tonight, I was calling the police to file a missing person's report. The deputy was extremely nice and went out with a crew to his house to check things out. He is usually in bed exhausted by's 8:03 now. Still no word. They have put out a report with all departments state wide and a "silver alert" which is equivalent to the amber alert.

Where could he be? I couldn't shake this feeling all day and now I just worry that the worst has happened. Is he alone? Did he get into an accident? There are no reports for him at the hospitals. No one has seen him for days and yesterday, I was the last one to talk to him. I have been praying that God is with him, where ever he is, looking over him keeping him safe and not fearful.

Everyone out there who reads this, even if it's only two of you, please pray for my Dad. Please pray that we find him soon. Please pray that he is safe.

I don't want that to be the last I love you I say to him.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Nature's Cure

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears or the sea."

Thought I would share one of my most favorite quotes because it rings true no matter the situation.

How good have you felt after putting a little "sweat equity" into something? Maybe it's that healthy body you want (where mine is coming from now) or that house project you have been wanting to finish. Nothing is better than wiping that sweat after a workout and having a completely clear mind.
Or how about those tears? Our body's physical result of our emotions. I was feeling pretty down earlier this week...missing just seeing people. Missing the excitement of my day which has fallen into predictable monotony. It was still weighting heavy on my mind at dinner when Reece was sitting and playing with her roll instead of eating it. She finally spoke up and told us she was making a face, but she couldn't make the "smell holes" (aka nose). Ah, tears of joy at her innocence...almost instantly healing that hurt.
And the sea. The sea represents my reconciliation with my dad. Just the smell of it brings a calm and smile to my face.
What a simply natural, wonderful thing salt water is in all it's forms...and it's one of those things we take for granted everyday.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A New State of Mind

So, it's been awhile since I have blogged. From my last entry, I have been trying to really shake up my previous state of mind. I was wrapped up in myself, my work, my calendar, my family and my life situation. It's a pity and shame everything I have missed devoting my entire life to the past or worrying about the future. I have missed out on the greatest gift....the present. Why worry with the past? By continuing to let it affect me, I have continued to let those same situations and people hurt me, even when it's all over. And, I have discovered I play the "victim" role pretty well. I am amazed at how much of my life was connected to that, my own self pity and doubts and what an impact it made on my family. And the future, I cannot tell you how many times I have lied awake worrying about money or my kids or my job or my family. Why? Did my worry-filled nights change anything but my ability to function the next day? No, because the future is not in my hands, I have to let it go and trust that God's plan is the best possible future I could ever have. It is something to look forward too, not lose sleep over.
I cannot even begin to describe how my world has been changing these last few weeks. I am still struggling with not making my work a symbol of myself, to not need that to validate who I am, but no one said this would be easy. My biggest gain has been my clear state of mind. Thanksgiving with all of the family in my house and me doing all of the cooking while entertaining would have drove me to shots of alcohol last year (only slightly kidding here), but this year it was the best Thanksgiving I have ever had. I just enjoyed the "now". I didn't worry about all of the things that had happened before with my parents, I didn't worry about if this would be the last Thanksgiving I would spend with my dad, I just enjoyed it as it was. I am really noticing my kids and my husband, those little things that might have been lost in the everyday shuffle of trying to get everything done. I am looking them in the eye when they speak to me instead of doing something else at the same time and only half way listening. I am talking with Kyleigh about the journey I am going through. We are doing this together, as I fear I have taught her selfish ways just by watching me. It's funny, of all of the questions to ask about God, she wanted to know what kind of clothes he wears :-) It just brought a smile to my face that she didn't question any of the things most of us did, there was no need because she already knew all of it to be true.
We went this weekend and bought toys at Walmart to drop off at the local toys for tots campaign in Shallotte. At first, Kyleigh was very turned off by the fact that we were buying brand new toys for other kids she didn't even know and she wasn't getting anything. I was so frustrated. I really wanted her to understand the important of giving back without getting anything in return. So, we were finally checking out and Reece looked at the cashier and said "Look at all the toys we bought!". The cashier asked if they were all for her and her sister and Reece replied "No, we are getting them for other little girls and boys who might not get anything for Christmas, because it's just nice to share". bye bye frustration and hello tears! I cannot tell you how proud they were to put those toys in that box and how proud I was that our family is moving in the right direction.