So, it's been awhile since I have blogged. From my last entry, I have been trying to really shake up my previous state of mind. I was wrapped up in myself, my work, my calendar, my family and my life situation. It's a pity and shame everything I have missed devoting my entire life to the past or worrying about the future. I have missed out on the greatest gift....the present. Why worry with the past? By continuing to let it affect me, I have continued to let those same situations and people hurt me, even when it's all over. And, I have discovered I play the "victim" role pretty well. I am amazed at how much of my life was connected to that, my own self pity and doubts and what an impact it made on my family. And the future, I cannot tell you how many times I have lied awake worrying about money or my kids or my job or my family. Why? Did my worry-filled nights change anything but my ability to function the next day? No, because the future is not in my hands, I have to let it go and trust that God's plan is the best possible future I could ever have. It is something to look forward too, not lose sleep over.
I cannot even begin to describe how my world has been changing these last few weeks. I am still struggling with not making my work a symbol of myself, to not need that to validate who I am, but no one said this would be easy. My biggest gain has been my clear state of mind. Thanksgiving with all of the family in my house and me doing all of the cooking while entertaining would have drove me to shots of alcohol last year (only slightly kidding here), but this year it was the best Thanksgiving I have ever had. I just enjoyed the "now". I didn't worry about all of the things that had happened before with my parents, I didn't worry about if this would be the last Thanksgiving I would spend with my dad, I just enjoyed it as it was. I am really noticing my kids and my husband, those little things that might have been lost in the everyday shuffle of trying to get everything done. I am looking them in the eye when they speak to me instead of doing something else at the same time and only half way listening. I am talking with Kyleigh about the journey I am going through. We are doing this together, as I fear I have taught her selfish ways just by watching me. It's funny, of all of the questions to ask about God, she wanted to know what kind of clothes he wears :-) It just brought a smile to my face that she didn't question any of the things most of us did, there was no need because she already knew all of it to be true.
We went this weekend and bought toys at Walmart to drop off at the local toys for tots campaign in Shallotte. At first, Kyleigh was very turned off by the fact that we were buying brand new toys for other kids she didn't even know and she wasn't getting anything. I was so frustrated. I really wanted her to understand the important of giving back without getting anything in return. So, we were finally checking out and Reece looked at the cashier and said "Look at all the toys we bought!". The cashier asked if they were all for her and her sister and Reece replied "No, we are getting them for other little girls and boys who might not get anything for Christmas, because it's just nice to share". bye bye frustration and hello tears! I cannot tell you how proud they were to put those toys in that box and how proud I was that our family is moving in the right direction.
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2 comments:
How sweet! We usually make shoe boxes and bring them to our church for kids oversees, but we were really broke this year - since I was on maternity leave and not receiving a paycheck at that time...so I picked up a Salvation Army stocking in the breakroom...it was for a boy 2-3 years old (Drew's age) - it sat there for a week - I think it was God telling me to go get it - so I did! Drew and I went and purchased toys to put in the stocking for the little boy - and it was amazing that even at 2 - he somewhat understood - that they weren't for him...though he thought maybe he and the little boy could play with them together! :) It sure feels good to do for others and to see your kids feel good about it too, doesn't it?
and i cannot tell you how much i sink back into my chair and read your blog and just smile. really smile. like i wish i could walk over to your cube and lay a big 'ole smoochie on your cheek and just tell you how much i praise God for you. and i am just so happy that your thanksgiving was so precious - just as it was. girl, God is soooo good! and you are one precious mama.
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