I just miss him

So, Father's Day. Everything was going so wonderfully today. The girls came in with hand made cards for Bobby this morning that were absolutely adorable and gave hugs and kisses and "Happy Father's Day Daddy!". We went to breakfast at our favorite place and headed to church. I knew Pastor Brad would talk about Father's Day today. I had thought about my dad, sure, as soon as I woke up this morning, but something about his sermons touch me so deep. Today was no exception.

He does such a good job connecting with everyone. It's not like a lecture, it's a conversation..a sharing with everyone. He doesn't dance around it, he gets right to your soul where you need to hear it the most. Today he shared a letter his dad wrote him when he was about 20 talking about regrets he had about him growing up and how he was proud of him. It really hit my heart because I remembered the letter I wrote my dad at Christmas before his cancer became so bad, letting him know how grateful I was for him, how much I loved him, how proud I was of him and how overjoyed I was to call him my dad. I hate that he never got the opportunity to read that letter himself, but I think me reading it to him through tear filled eyes meant so much more.

Pastor Brad went on to talk about how for most people, Father's Day was a happy occasion, but for some, it conjured up bad thoughts. For those folks that didn't grow up with the love of a father, for those that were abused in any way by their fathers or for those that had lost their father's it was a very different day.

He told many stories about folks he knew that had strained relationships with their fathers. Some never met them until much later in life, some had abusive fathers, some had dads that never told them they loved them or were proud of them, but how our Heavenly Father had been there always and gotten them through it. I thought about past Father's Days I had living those very words. I would lay awake the night before and wonder if my dad knew how Father's Day would make me feel. Back then it was not a celebration, but a day of hurt. I wanted to have the Father's Day my girls have had since they were born....busting into the bedroom, crawling into the bed and getting sweet kisses from their daddy, giving hand made gifts and hearing about how much he loved them.

I thank God everyday for the strength he gave my dad and I to reconcile. Thinking back to how I felt then, I cannot imagine how those days were for him. I'm sure he felt shame, sadness, guilt and sorrow thinking about me. While we can never have those years back, the few we had together as daddy and daughter are absolutely priceless.

Daddies come in all different ways and styles and situations. Even with all of our unfortunate background, we overcame. Alcoholism, pride, pain, prison, neglect, denial, hurt and abandonment could not separate us. Forgiveness is a very precious thing, and while it is not the easy road to take, the rewards at the end are far more than I can express in this blog.

Thank you Daddy for loving me then and continuing to love me now in Heaven. Thank you Bobby for being the epitome of the perfect dad. Thank you God for being my Heavenly Father and always watching over me.