Thursday, March 3, 2011

When I get down

I get really down. It's no mystery that this adoption has definitely taken it's toll on my mood. I checked my email last night and was completely trying to hold my screams down when I saw an email from our agency. "This is it! This is the EP approval email we have been waiting for so long! Asher is on his way to coming home!" I collected myself enough to manage to click the email.

Imagine the drop in my soul when I realize they are telling me that our fingerprints expire on April 11th (do not even get me started on why fingerprints expire) and they are suggesting that we get these redone because we may not be traveling by then. Not traveling by April 11th. I just read those words over and over again. And I cried. Again. I cannot fathom not having our travel call by April 11th. I have no idea what is taking so long with this batch of EP's we are in. We had our hopes so high for traveling in March and realistically that is probably not going to happen. I am trying to be positive. Reading my scripture for support. Putting on my smiley face. It's all about being graceful in the wait. Understanding that it WILL happen. That I have no control over this. But then I have to remind myself that it's ok to be sad and disappointed about it. It doesn't mean that I don't believe any less. It doesn't mean that I am throwing a pity party for myself. I don't have to beat myself up for being sad. It's ok.

So, I am letting myself feel this disappointment so that I can just move on. Point blank, this sucks. Yes, I am thankful that Asher is being taken care of. Yes, I am thankful for how far we've come. Yes, I know that there is an end in sight. But today, I'm just morning my boy. It physically hurts that we are not together (migraine from hell last night).

Just so you know, I'm feeling better today and praying for a more positive week next week. I was told 5 weeks at the most for EP approval and Monday will be 5 weeks of waiting for us. It's got to happen next week. I'm taking hope in that.


Brooke said...

Awe Brandi, I am so sorry. I know what that "really down" feeling is and it sucks. Just do whatever you have to to feel better. And I agree that it is O.K. to let those negative feelings out!!! We have to or it seriously eats us alive. Hugs!!!

Rachel said...

I am so there today :( My boy is turning 14 months old today and I feel like I an missing so much every day. We are still months away from EP and you are right, it just sucks. I do trust God's timing, but that does not mean it's easy, and sometimes I just feel really sad. I'm sorry about that disappointing email - so not cool!!! Hang in there - one day this WILL be behind us and our boys WILL be home!!!!