Did you ever wonder.....

what happens to those children who are harder to adopt because they are older, part of sibling groups or have certain medical conditions or backgrounds? These children are what the adoption community calls "waiting children". Depending upon the country and situation, they are considered waiting children for many different reasons.

If you've got the heart and resources to adopt waiting children, you are certainly giving that child opportunities they may never have in their current situation. Many times medical conditions in other countries are easily treatable here in the US. Most of these situations here in the states center around older children waiting for homes or sibling groups. There is much stigmata around each scenario that I will talk about below. I want to also note again that these are strictly for informational purposes and in no way reflect or push my opinions or feelings about each issue.

**"I don't want to adopt an older child because they already have so many emotional issues from being in institutionalized care."
**"We want to adopt internationally and they do not speak English."
**"I'm scared to adopt a child that has had a history of abuse and neglect."

When a family sits down to consider adoption and older children come to mind, these questions are some that may pop up. It's good to be honest with yourselves on why you want to adopt the child you do and if it's an older child, some of the issues that MAY occur. All of us have seen those 20/20 specials with the out of control older kids that do not bond with anyone and the adoptive parents cannot handle. I'm not saying situations like that do not happen, but they most certainly do not happen with the majority of older children adoptions.

Yes, most children that are older in government ran care are there because of some traumatic event. Maybe it happened as a baby and they grew up there or maybe it was something recent. Every child is different along with every situation. It is important to understand what occurred in their past to be able to understand how to give them to support they need and help them to bond into your family. While babies require patience in learning routines and sleep issues, older adoptees need patience as they try and mold into your family. This may be the first family they have been apart of or maybe they have been passed from family to family. Either way, it takes time to build trust, just like it does with anything else. Try to see things through their eyes.

Language issues may occur initially, but most schools now have wonderful ESL programs that have been very successful as well as parents learning some basics in the foreign language to help communications.

The main thing needed is the same with any adoption (or birth for that matter) and that is a strong support group of friends and professionals. These are other families that have adopted older children, psychologists, physicians, etc. These folks have seen it all and can be an invaluable asset, especially finding a counseling professional that specializes in adoption. Also check your expectations at the door. This I think also goes along with any adoption or birth as well. I think all of us as parents have discovered our expectations at some point or another have been greatly exceeded or underestimated. Don't expect them to naturally bond to you. It takes time. Don't expect them to feel at ease immediately in your home for a while or to let their guard down all of the time. Take time to form the relationship and the trust will follow.

Here are a few links about older adoption:

http://adoptuskids.org/
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/12/22/earlyshow/living/parenting/main589799.shtml
http://adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1554

Sibling groups are much the same way. Many times these consist of an older sibling among one or several younger ones. Sometimes the oldest feels responsible and there is a loss of childhood for them. They have become the parent..even at 8 years old. Once again, this is where your support system comes into play and can help both you and your child come to understand what it means to be a child. Also it is just a wonderful thing when you can keep all of the siblings together and make a scary situation more comfortable!

Children with certain medical conditions or backgrounds are also categorized as waiting children. Depending upon the country, these medical conditions may be severe or quite minor by US standards. For instance, I'm sure everyone has seen information on cleft palate surgeries that have been performed here in the states for adoptive children. Medical conditions can range from HIV, heart disorders, down syndrome, respiratory issues, pre-term birth, neuro problems to limb differences or skin disorders or simply having an extra finger or toe. Backgrounds also vary from country to country. You know when you adopt from Africa you will have a greater chance of your child being affected by HIV than say from Russia. Or if you are adopting from Russia your child has a greater chance of being affected by Fetal Alcohol Syndrome than Africa. This is where your research of different countries is key. It's also important to sit down as a family and take in the resources in your community (hospitals, therapies, counseling, etc.) to see what you are equipped with locally.

It's a hard conversation to have. I remember how hard it was for Bobby and I to go through a list and try and decide what we felt like we could handle and couldn't. It was awkward and I don't think either of us walked away feeling especially good about ourselves, but honesty was needed for the child's sake. There is a list of potential conditions on the Rainbow Kids website that I will post a link to below. The hardest part of the waiting child process is concentrating on the facts...what needs are you able to accept and care for? It's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of a child in need, but if your nearest resource is 100 miles away and that child will need constant care, is that really in their best interest? I do believe there is a family for every child. Pray on it. Sleep on it. But be realistic of your efforts and the long term of the child. Sit down with an adoption physician and discuss their file...any questions you may have for their long term future as well as just understanding the medical information given to you. Sometimes depending upon the country or situation, you may not receive any information at all. Adoption is a loving, beautiful thing and you are jumping in to be a forever family. As hard as it may be to say no, sometimes it's for the best and then another family better equipped will have the opportunity.

With that said, below is a link for those interested in waiting children with medical issues/backgrounds internationally (most domestic sites do not distinguish between children with medical issues or older children). I have listed Rainbow Kids, which is where our Asher was listed. No matter where you are in reading this, I invite you all to make a profile (it's anonymous, no one will contact you) and check these kids out. You can even choose to be alerted when a child is posted that meets your profile (certain country, age, medical conditions, etc.). If nothing else, please pray for these children that they may soon be matched with families. Rainbow kids includes children with medical issues as well as older children and sibling groups needing homes all around the world. I also include a couple of links for adoption physicians. The first is country wide, but the second is locally here in NC and who we used to review Asher's information. Dr. Douglass was very throughout and talked us through page by page!

http://www.rainbowkids.com/
http://http//adoptiondoctors.com/
http://http//www.cabarruspeds.org/adopt_home.cfm

This is really a very basic layout of waiting children, but I hope it's enough to get you thinking. These kids no matter their age, family situation, background or medical condition all deserve homes.

Next I will touch on Korean adoptions, which are close to my heart :-)