When it seems I have it all

So I have been reading a lot of blogs and articles about the "American Dream". What does the phrase "American Dream" mean to you?

These days, people's perspectives have been changing. I think our notion of bigger is better and the constant state of dissatisfaction and wanting more have finally caught up with us. I think we have all been guilty of it. You grow up next to people that have more and you think your life might be just a little bit better if you had what they did. After all, they looked so darn happy didn't they?! You go to college and get a good job and you earn your money and feel you "deserve" a treat for all of your hard work... a big nice house, a new shiny car. You want to give your family the finer things in life, which in our society equated to material things.

I am a bit ashamed now to admit this, but Bobby and I used to sit around when we were floating checks and credit cards that were over their balance with two kids to feed and dream about that future. Where we finally would have money to spare at the end of the month and be able to take vacations with our kids and have a big house and not be crammed into 1120 sq!

Bobby and I have a love like I have never known, and know I will never again because he is my soul mate and my partner in everything. I really feel like we were truly meant for each other. So, sitting down and making plans for the future and what our idea of the "American Dream" was together was fun, but what happens when the basis of this dream is completely turned upside down?

I am no longer working for the finer things in life, not in a material notion. You know, I think we are so far blessed beyond what I ever thought we would be and our idea of our future has been nothing in comparison to it's reality. Just being able to get up in the morning and care for my kids...my healthy kids, having a job to go to, having money to buy the food we want to eat, having a car that gives me no trouble, having the love of my life to come home to and friends that I would do anything in the world for and I know they would do the same.

I realize I'm living my American Dream now.......and it has nothing to do with fancy electronics or a house so big I would never be able to keep it clean anyway.

What a feeling! My life is already filled with all of my dreams come true...

You ever been wrong about something?

Ever been completely wrong about something you felt in your heart so sure about?

I have had something weighing so heavy on my mind for the past 4 or 5 months and it seems like every week it just gets stronger and stronger. I try not to let my anxious side overtake my decision making. It turns into a mess...a long drawn out mess! I know some folks that do the "pro and con" list. Some just follow their hearts and do it. Some will let others make the decision for them. I guess I'm a little bit of all of these. I can think of many cons and huge pros. I know what my heart is telling me to do. I know what the decision would be right now if I allowed someone else to make it.

I was thinking today about how persistent my kids are. When they are sure they want something, they will fight for it. Pester, nag and come up with all of the reasons in the world they should have it. I guess I'm waiting for a sign this is something to fight for. I have come to God with an open heart and laid this at His feet. I know if it's His will, it will be. It's just so hard to know. I just want to come clean and pour it all out, but I sound so emotional when I do. I don't know how to make it come across that I don't believe and want to do this because of some emotional emptiness I feel right now. I have felt this way before I had a reason to have any emotional emptiness. I cannot put feelings into words. How can you really? It just comes out sounding like an emotion mess.

So, I am praying tonight. I am praying that if this is in His will, a barrier will open and break down for me. And I'm also praying if it is not, that I will know that in my heart and be able to move on.

I feel like I have gone through a tremendous transformation this past year, starting about this time last year. I look back at the person I was and who I am becoming now and who I want to be and I am so thankful for all of this past years events for making me a better person even though I might have been devastated at the time. My past misconceptions and all of the things I thought life was about and I thought were important have completely changed, I think for the better. My goals have completely changed. My life and world view have completely changed. I don't even recognize the person I was. I was self absorbed, immature and missing out on real life completely.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well and going to the beach and enjoying the beautiful weather we had before today! Just emptying my mind tonight waiting for my hubby to get home!

It is almost....

So, there are a lot of things coming up for me, and all of us!

It is almost....Mother's Day! Here is to all of you moms, both biological and adoptive, stay at home and working outside the home, tired and exhausted who give yourselves day after day for your kids and family. Who wipe poop without so much as a hesitation, who kiss boo boos covered in neosporin, who wash unaccountable loads of laundry every week. To those moms who cook even though you really just want to sit down and have someone else serve you, who pack lunches because you want your child to have the best, who lets their kids pick out their own clothes, even though it looks like a fashion statement from the 80's! Those moms who keep their word to their kids and do whatever it takes to not let them down, who do not let a day go by without hugging and kissing them and telling them how much they love them, who read the same books over and over again even though they could recite them in their sleep.
For those moms that go to bed knowing how blessed they are to have their kids, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF YOU!

It's almost....the end of the school year. Wow this year has flown by so fast! I cannot believe Kyleigh will be in first grade next year. She has grown so much physically and mentally this past year and is turning into a quite the smart young lady. We are so proud of her!

And...it's almost....time for the beach! The girls are so excited to get back out to the ocean. I definitely need some sun on these legs!

Busy Weekend

I am still winding down from the very busy weekend we just had, so I thought I would share some pictures of the girls and all of the fun we had (Bobby is left out of these because he had to work this weekend :-(

We got up early Saturday morning and were very excited to do the kid's walk for Relay for Life. I was not emotionally ready to go on Friday night for those events, but I was really looking forward to the kids walk on Saturday. We got there early and the girls played on the inflatables and then we walked a few laps around (well, Kyleigh and I did. Reece lasted one lap before I had to pick her up). We walked under the tent to get Reece's face painted, which was great timing because it started pouring down rain! Oh well, we had fun wet and all!

Posing with sis before the walk

Marching for a good cause

When we got back to the house, we watched Hotel for Dogs, which Kyleigh had been wanting to see for a very long time (a really cute movie for you dog lovers out there who haven't seen it yet). Then we decided to do some crafts. First I let the girls create their own shirts. Kyleigh was very into it and was still working long after Reece splattered her paint and moved on. Check out this concentration.....

"Angels from Heaven"

When I asked Kyleigh what her picture was she replied "An angel coming down to tell the people in the house she was proud of them for praying". Too sweet. Notice the blue sky, angel in the middle and special clouds that evidently appear on the side when angels come down :-)

Next we made our very own stepping stones. I have been trying to decide what to do with our yard. I'm not a big yard worker, but we look like every other cookie cutter house in our neighborhood, so I'm trying to get some ideas. I would love for the girls to have an area of the yard just for them with their own flowers/plants and sitting area, so I thought this was a great start and surprisingly not too messing. Check out Reece's finished work.....

Precious hand print

At this time, Kyleigh and I had some unfinished business called Thumb Wars. You know you guys remember thumb war! Anyway, Kyleigh is completely obsessed with it now. Sad how you cannot really tell the difference from my 29 year old hand and her 6 year old hand!

The saga continues....

About the time we were finishing up, I got a call from my sister in law wanting to know if we wanted to have the boys for the weekend (for those of you that don't know, we have two nephews: Bryson 7 and Bryon 4 who we lived beside in Wilmington. Sure! So around 6 our family of 2 kids turned into 4 very excited loud kids ages 3, 4, 6, & 7. Here are some pics....

Showing off my new game

Bryson is sooo funny!!!!!

After a 2 hour bedtime battle, everyone finally settled down and went to sleep. For a first sleep over, I think it went well!

Bobby had to be at work at 5am Sunday morning, so I was a single mom o' 4! We got up and got breakfast at our favorite spot, the Sunrise Pancake House. Then we went to the park and I took everyone with me to church. They all had a ball and were all fantastic for me! Topped off by a Mickey D's lunch complete with play area time and you have the perfect kid's day.

I'm still exhausted from it all, but it was a great weekend! Hope you all had a great one too!!!

Bars

No folks, not the one where everybody knows your name (not in this post anyway), those bars that seem to block certain areas of your life. Come on, we all have them. Maybe it's emotional bars we are putting up ourselves, maybe financial bars, maybe communication bars. Seems like I have had several of these just flat out sawed down this past week and witnessed several for myself and I'm just now able to take a breath to take it all in and talk about just a few of them.

Bobby and I went baby free on Thursday to head to the Jimmy Buffett concert (I would have pictures to show, but I left my camera in the hotel room!!). I was so stressed out before leaving trying to get everything together, working late, cleaning up, etc. I don't think it was until we were outside the gates that I really let go and started to enjoy myself. We had 4th row, center stage tickets and it was probably the best show I have ever seen. Best of all, one of the first songs he played was "It's 5 o'clock somewhere", which was one of my dad's favorites. I cannot describe it exactly, but bars lifted. I cried for the first time in public over him. While everyone else was screaming and dancing, I was crying and it felt so good. It was the trip, the concert he always wanted to go to. It was tears of joy, like I completed something for him and for myself.

Financial bars were lifted for my very dear friend Meredith this weekend for her yard sale fundraiser for her adoption (to any of you reading that participated in any way, we cannot thank you enough!) What a wonderful thing that in this financial day people from all walks of life can come together and help a family give a new life and opportunity to a child that truly needs it.

Last night, I had the great pleasure of having dinner with a friend that unfortunately I don't get to spend as much time with as I would like. We literally shut the restaurant down! I think we both needed that release, just to sit and talk with someone about being a mom, work, what we wanted out of life and where we wanted to go. We talked about our childhood and the childhood we wanted for our kids, situations we had been in and the ones we are in now. We talked about parents and alcoholism and the horrible effects it can leave in a family and what a shame it all can be. Bobby was nice enough to watch the girls while I had some girl time of my own, and for that I am grateful. I think we both walked out of that restaurant a little bit clearer, I know I am.

Holding on

If you had been suffering through years of a disease and were frustrated and had enough, what would be worth holding onto to keep you going? Family? Friends? Sheer willpower? Jesus?

When I get on the phone with my mom, I'm not quite sure what to say. Trying to stand in her shoes, I understand her frustration and complete exhaustion with Diabetes. She has called it "the slow killer". Mom's had it and been living with it for years now. All these years of fighting uncontrollable blood sugar and the numerous medications are taking a toll on her body. Being a biology nut, I know the body can be a marvelous thing, but it can also wear down your mental health to the point where you just don't care what happens to it anymore. I feel like that is where she is now.

On the phone, she is very negative, bitter. Mad at the world almost for the cards she has been dealt. Instead of looking at the life she has been able to led and the life she still has left, she focuses on the "why me" part of things. It's hard to avoid and it's hard to find a response to it. I'm in no way pointing fingers or saying she doesn't have a right to feel that way. I'm just struggling to figure out how to deal with it and get around it. My dad was very different. He accepted it and moved on, but he only had to deal with it for a few months and this has followed my mom for years.

I am thinking of spending Easter in Goldsboro and staying the weekend with them. I'm just wondering if it's too late to turn her perspective around. I like to think it isn't. I know she has several challenges ahead of her and I'm just hoping that a weekend with the girls might remind her life is worth living and definitely worth fighting for...no matter how that life ends up.

A much needed day off and escape

So, sometimes when all hope is gone and you are just in a "funk", what you need is a night out with a friend. I took yesterday off to relax a bit and then headed to Wilmington to check out the David Cook concert my dear friend Meredith so graciously invited me too.

I don't know about you, but I love to drive (with the exception of driving in the never ending rain yesterday). It just clears my mind and I am able to clear things out. When I got to Wilmington, I got to see her girl Abby. Boy is she growing up fast! It's so sweet to hear her talk and watch her waddle around :-)

We decided to treat ourselves to a dinner we wouldn't normally take our kids to since it was "Mommy's night out", Port City Chophouse. That was the first dinner in a long time that I have been able to take my time and breathe and just enjoy a meal without wondering how much longer I had until the girls were done! A nice steak, a glass of wine and some great conversation. That alone was worth the trip.

We had hospitality passes before the concert, so we ended up doing some pretty serious people watching in there. I'm pretty sure we were entertaining the couple sitting beside us :-)

After that, we went down for the concert. 7th row center stage floor, not to shabby I might say! The opening act was good and I thought David did a great job. We were sitting right behind the "queens and their court", so most of my pictures have crowns in them unfortunately. Don't even get me started on the guys these girls were with, that's a whole other post!

Anyway, thought I would share a few pictures. If you ever get the chance to catch him in concert, go check it out. He was very funny, personable, talkative and just seemed like a genuine nice guy.